When I was a young girl my father experienced some difficulties. His frustrations often turned to anger, and for one reason or another, his anger was often coupled with violent outbursts.

I was twelve and cleaning the house when my two-year-old half-brother insisted on playing a game called sitting on the vacuum cleaner. Rushing, I tried to get my chores done so I could go out with my friends. I became frustrated with his game, so I picked him off the cleaner and put him on the couch and told him to sit still until I was done. My step-mother was not impressed with my disciplining attempts and complained to my father. This was enough to set him off.

I defended myself the only way I knew how. When he was handed the leather strap I grabbed it and held on for dear life, only fuelling the flames of his anger. The fight ended, and he won. I was thrown against the wall and lost consciousness. When I woke up I realised I was alone, so I made a dash for the door and ran for my life.

As a result of the drama I experienced in my childhood, my life became a journey to understand myself and other people’s behaviour better. Why, why, why does this type of behaviour happen? I would think to myself over and over. And so I set forth on a quest to find the answers.

I found my answers through books, teachers and ultimately through listening to my inner guidance, inner knowing and wisdom. Forgiveness, love and understanding were at the very core of the wisdom I would become to know as my TRUE identity.

One night, while lying in bed contemplating life, love and the universe, I imagined life to be like a colossal Hollywood movie filled with adventure, drama, contrast, challenges, joy, journeys and variety. After all, a good movie has all these ingredients; drama, betrayal, sadness, love, mystery, intrigue and happy endings, that’s what makes it such a good show. Without the drama, the happy ending would not feel as good.

I thought about everyone I had encountered on the stage of life. The ones I loved and the ones that had hurt me, and I remembered from a place of unconditional love, from source energy, that place we are all from, we are the same. Actors, playing our roles in the movie of life, and richer for the experiences.

I realised we are all an extension of source energy, or pure positive energy, and our natural state of being is one of love. With this truth in my heart, in my mind I visualised an Academy Awards ceremony for my life.

The nominees were everyone I had known. They received awards according to their performances. The people who had convinced me the most they were not love, who had behaved in a way that did not look like love, received an Academy Award for their acting performances. Best supporting actor/actress in a drama series, and on I went, as I identified the actors on the stage of my life, playing their roles.

The Pinnacle prize of the night, the BEST Actor award for a drama movie, went to Dad. He had really convinced me, in those times of violence and stress, that he did not love me. I had swallowed it hook line and sinker. His performance had me believing his anger was who he really was, and I was not worthy of his, or anyone else’s Love.

In my search for spiritual knowledge and understanding, I remembered this was not the truth. Behaviour like that only occurs when we forget who we really are, and disconnect from our source. Everyone is on a journey of remembering, and my anger at the hurt I had encountered in my early years on this planet, would not help anyone remember who they really are as a source of Love, wisdom, joy and brilliance, especially me!

Life is like a magnificent acting job, and for his performance, Dad received the best actors Oscar. I thought of Dustin Hoffman in ‘Rain Man.’ He was not really a man with Autism, but he played his role so well, we all suspended our disbelief for the moments we were witnessing his performance. So convincing was he, the Academy gave him an Academy Award.

As a result of my inner award ceremony, my relationship with my father healed, as did the relationships with the rest of the men in my life. I no longer felt I had to push away the people who loved me. I could accept their love and I could accept my own self-love. I became less defensive and more accepting of the behaviour of others, understanding that their behaviour has nothing to do with me. Their behaviour is all about their distorted perception of their limits, lack, loss, and mistrust.

Angry or violent people have forgotten,  they are adored by the universe, and life brings them everything they could ever want, when they align with their brilliance and knowing that we are all an extension of source energy. The pure positive liquid LIGHT energy  that is at the core of every being and all things.

Life delivers our every dream, when we remember who we are.

Next time someone try’s to convince you they do not love you and you aren’t worthy of love, or of getting what you want, tell them, ‘You’re doing such a good acting job trying to forget who you are; You deserve an Academy Award!’

KAren Swain.  💖 💓  🦋

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